Eating disorders f*cking suck. Suck. Suck. Suck.
I’ve been doing some serious reflecting this past week, after an eye-opening experience I had the last weekend with my good ‘ol pal ED (eating disorder). So… here’s what happened and what I’m doing about it.
Last Saturday, we had a couple of different birthday parties to go to. Lots of yummy food around that I ‘shouldn’t’ eat because it would totally ‘f’ with my gut, make me super bloated/crampy/gassy/all the super attractive gut issues that everyone loves to hear about that leaves me miserable for days to follow. Back to the point, there were lots of delicious eats around and I’m not the best with restricting myself 7 days/week… not even in the name of ‘health’.
Later in the evening, and on an already full stomach, I found myself going for multiple slices of pizza and then following that up with a 2 hour binge on animal crackers and a dip we’ll just call ‘Gina’s fun dip’ that made all of my willpower (as if that’s a real thing) fade away after one bite. When I got home that night, I couldn’t believe how much I had eaten and it really, FINALLY, hit home that what I have been doing up to this point with my diet isn’t working. It’s never going to work. It’s not working for my mind, my body, my relationships, my health, my gut (which is the main reason I have been choosing to eat so restrictively), you name it, it’s just not working.
Since then, I have been spending most of my free time this past week reading and learning about intuitive eating and what it entails. Lucky for me, I came across one of the best blogs I’ve ever read. Seriously. This chick is awesome and has her shit straight. The first post I read struck a serious cord and I’ve been knee-deep in reading as much as I possibly can by this woman and her counterparts for the past week. What’s stood out the most to me is how my restrictive diet is setting me up for bingeing on foods that I never allow myself or only allow when I just can’t take it anymore. Another idea that hit home is this, “Shit food may not be the be all end all, but shit food may be a big part of getting you to the be all end all (ease & intuition). Restriction and fear of food impairs food intuition, ease, and often, metabolism too. Eating a diet of mainly coke and candy and McDonalds will never ever be optimal. You know that. But allowing those foods, genuinely, with no fear or judgment, will take away the dogma and allow you to slowly and genuinely listen to what your body is craving day to day.” (from thefuckitdiet.com)
So that’s what I’m doing. I’m saying, “To hell with these rules around food!” They are not serving me and I’m going to eat whatever I want whenever I want for as long as I want. I’m going to trust that once my body knows that nothing is off-limits that I will be able to truly listen to its innate wisdom that has been there all along. I MUST start being in my body and giving it what it asks for. I HAVE to remove the fear from foods that I have placed on them and by doing so, I believe that I will prove to myself that I can eat what I want to and not gain tons of weight. I can have no limitations on food AND be healthy all at the same time. It’s all possible, I just have to do it.
So, I have been and it’s been awesomely liberating. I already feel less anxious when it comes to food and having to stick to such a restrictive diet. I truly believe that food freedom is absolutely necessary and that with this (hopefully) newfound freedom, I will have more room in my life for what’s most important to me (family, community, friends, my relationship with God).
Sorry if this post seems out of no where (it kinda is). My desire to create a blog that is true to my voice and honest about where I come from in life is what motivates me to write about my struggles with my past eating disorder and the disordered thoughts that have stemmed from that. I look forward to getting more into this topic with you all and sharing my food freedom journey with you guys! Till next time, keep it real and peace out!