25 Things

So… to be authentically inauthentic, I’m stealing an idea from Glennon Doyle Melton and opening my first blog post up with my own 25 Things You Don’t Have Time To Read.

These truths are not premeditated so patience and grace is asked for.

1.  I believe in God but have such a hard time figuring out my relationship with him.
2. I often feel anxious and struggle to break free of it’s grip.
3. I love my husband so much, I’m truly his biggest fan yet I have a hard time expressing those feelings in an honest way… like ever.
4. My parents separated in 1999-2000. Since then, I feel like I’ve been trying to figure out who the hell I am and what the hell I’m doing here… I’m ashamed that I still don’t slightly know the answer to these questions.
5. I got married to my first husband in 2003. I can only assume that my desire to get married has to do with my parent’s separation/divorce. Anyhow, we were horrible to each other and it still is very painful to think about that time in my life.
6. After my marriage ended, I began what has thus far been a 10 year battle with bulimia and disordered eating. I’ve come a long way in healing this part of me but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t still a part of my life. No matter how much work I’ve done to rid myself of this sickness the temptation to control with food creeps back in every once and a while.
7. I often get overwhelming feelings for those in my life I love. Like I want to call them up or go to them and gush out all of my feelings I have for them; all of the love that’s tucked away that I struggle so hard to release.
8. I’m ashamed at how much I complain about being a stay-at-home mom. Underneath it all, I know this is a huge blessing.
9. The love I have for my children is outrageous… like, I never knew I could feel this way about anyone. It’s a struggle for me to remember this when I’m knee-deep in managing a raging toddler or when all I want is to not be touched yet find myself holding my son for over an hour because that’s what he needs. In these moments, when I’m able to stop and take in the beauty of my children, I feel horrible for not slowing down and appreciating the time I have with them right now. This makes me ashamed to think about and is something I’m trying to work on daily.
10. Food. I love it. I love creating it, learning about it, enjoying it. It’s one of the most interesting and delicious topics ever.
11. I just want to be known and loved. I feel that if my relationship with God was stronger that this desire would be fulfilled.
12. Losing a relationship, be that a friend, a closeness in a relationship that use to be there but has dwindled… this stuff is hard for me. I’ve lost relationships in my life that I just can’t figure out but feel very at fault for losing. Does this even make sense?
13. I’m horrible with affection. Thank God for my children, they are slowly but surely teaching me how to outwardly express what’s bottled up inside of me.
14. I have a very hard time hiding my disinterest in relationships that are stuck at a surface level. I feel like if I’m going to spend time with someone, I want to go deep.
15. With that being said ^^^ kicking back and having time with my people is like lighting a fire in me. It’s where I really feel like I can unwind.
16. It feels very healing for me to spend time alone.
17. All it takes is a real good rap/hip hop song from to get me going. It’s like I’m 19 again, at the club with my girlfriends, thinking we’re super hot and shit. I love it!
18. I think it’s so important to be able to express ones emotions. I try very hard not to stunt this in my children. If you need to cry about going to the potty then that’s ok, I’m here and I’ll help you through this. I pray for more patience in times like this.
19. I struggle with balance in my life. Balance with down time and productive time. Balance with eating healthy and cutting loose a bit.
20. I love having brothers and the constant threat of a solid charlie horse when I’m with them.
21. I want to do great things for God yet stop in my tracks because the thought of something else on my plate makes me nervous but probably not as nervous as the thought of failure.
22. Couldn’t say this better myself so I’m stealing one, “I am way too confrontational. I’m working hard on offering grace to people, and ridding myself of the belief that everyone should [do it my way], except for me.” Glennon Doyle Melton
23. I’m not good with criticism, not at all.
24. I’m working really hard on slowing down and trimming the “to do” list that I keep a tab on daily.
25. I want to love God more than anything else and be this example for my family, especially my kids.

Ok… so there’s that. I’m going to resist the urge to go beyond this list to be a more desirable human being and just let it be.

Now… something good for your soul.

-Jamie